There is a level of poker playing that I will never be able to reach, and I’m ok with that. Poker becomes a Zen thing at a certain point. The cards no longer matter. The other guy either is bluffing you or he isn’t, but it doesn’t matter either way, because you have become one with the game itself.

In most of the pro poker games I’ve witnessed, the winner just went all Matrix on the other players and showed a total disregard for the so called “rules” of poker. I’m not even talking about the ability to bluff here. I’m talking about the ability to put your faith in a pair of tens, and make that pair of tens unbeatable in your own mind. There is no need to try to bend the cards with your mind, because you know THERE ARE NO CARDS.

I was watching a poker tournament on tv with my grandfather today. What inspired this post was a guy winning a $90,000 pot by betting on a pair of tens in a five card game.

I tend to fold with a hand like that. But, then again, I could never bend a spoon by willpower alone. So, there you have it.

(By the way, Uncle Willy will have my full support should he be invited to play celebrity poker. Not financial support, of course, but I’ll wish him the best. How will that benefit Wil in any way whatsoever? It won’t. My mojo is not so great, or I wouldn’t have to fold with a pair of tens. Oh, well.)

I’m so jealous of Ellen Degeneres. On her talk show today she got to lie on the piano while Elton John played “Can You Feel the Love Tonight.”

I could die. Can you imagine how amazing that would be? You’d be able to feel the vibrations from every note. Oh. My. God.

So, here’s my plan. Don’t tell, ok? I’m sure if Elton thought I only had a month to live, he’d consider letting me wallow on his piano while he plays “Goodbye Yellow Brick Road.”

So, all I gotta do to is convince everyone that I am going to bite the proverbial big one, and that my dying wish is to writhe on Elton John’s piano while he plays a song for me. He’ll get all upset when he finds out about it, and he’ll want to make my last days the best they can be. Maybe he’ll even want to do another re-write of that Marilyn song in my honor.

Maybe I should write the lyrics myself preemptively so that he doesn’t have to go to any unnecessary trouble on my account.

“Seems to me, you lit your farts with a candle in the wind, never knowing where to run to when the pain set in…. ”

I’ll keep working on it. It was my first try. Cut me some slack. I’ll get it together.

Michael wants to wear a bio-hazard suit for Halloween, which is cool, of course, but it leaves me with the question of what I can now dress up as that would be suitable accompaniment. I’ve thought of three things so far.

1. A Zombie

I’m a big Resident Evil fan, so naturally when I think of bio-hazards, I think of the T-virus and those bastards at Umbrella Corp. Oh, the humanity! So, anyway, a zombie.

Downside to this is wearing funky make-up all night that will melt off my face and into my eyes. Make-up in my eyes makes me scream even louder than an insatiable appetite for human flesh.

2. Claire Redfield or Jill Valentine

Both are Resident Evil characters. I could do either.

Drawback here is that I might have to spend most of my evening explaining my costume. Half of the people I explain it to won’t even understand after I explain it, but, they’ll pretend to get it even though they don’t, and then they’ll avoid me for the rest of the night. In spite of that, I like this idea the best.

3. Cher’s character in Silkwood.

Michael would have to wear a radiation suit instead of the bio-hazard suit, but I love this idea. Only thing better would be if I had a third party to be Meryl Streep. Any volunteers? Actually, I have the nose already without using putty, so maybe I should be Streep.

What do you folks think? I’m open to other suggestions too, of course. Anything but Raggedy Andy will be considered.