Still wallowing in my own filth. Go visit Catboy.

Oh, I do have one thing. We saw The Return of the King yesterday. My only review is this:

Elijah Wood is one bug-eyed mofo. I kept wanting to push on his giant eyeballs so they’d fit properly into his head.

“God Rest Ye, Merry Gentlemen…”

Today I shall do as little as is humanly possible in order to recuperate from the strenuous aerobic workout that is Christmas Day and all the days leading up to it.

My family will be observing a very subdued “Boxing Day”, or as we like to call it here in America, “Being Secretly Glad It’s All Over Day.”

We shall lie about in our jammies*, eating leftovers and communicating as little as possible. When we absolutely must converse, we shall simply grunt or nod, rather than using the additional energy required to form actual words.

*We won’t be lying in our own filth, if we can avoid it. But, you never can tell. Accidents happen, and I ain’t cleaning nothing today.

The year is 1973. We have a six foot tall pine tree in the house. The day we brought it home my sister and I got to help decorate it. It’s dripping with tinsel so that it resembles some sort of psychedelic waterfall and it’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.

But, there’s more. Tonight is the very night when the most magical being my young heart can imagine will be dropping in to pay us a visit. He’s this loving, generous old guy in a red suit and he has reindeer that fly.

How am I supposed to go to sleep? I don’t think I could possibly fall asleep, but somehow I do.

I wake up in the middle of the night and slip quietly out of bed. The house is dark but I make my way down the hall to the room where the tree is.

I can make out some shapes under the tree. He’s been here! I can’t tell exactly what’s here, but I can tell it’s a lot. My eyes are adjusting to the dark, and I can see that at least one of the shapes is a doll. She’s huge! I think there are some Barbie dolls here too, and a Barbie van. Santa really came through this year. What a guy!

I wonder why my parents never get me anything for Christmas…

Maybe the part of us that wants to believe in a being that is made of pure love and magic is the part of us that is pure love and magic.

Happy holidays everybody!

I’m getting the flu or something equally fun. But, I gotta suck it up, be a trooper and get out there and shop today. Wish me luck that the wolves don’t smell weakness on me.

At least I have cough drops. Cough drops are my friends. They’ll get me through this day.

Hey, wait a minute, do cough drops make great Christmas gifts?

No?

Damn!

In that case, I still hafta leave the house.

I’m gonna die.

I want to write a review of Hunter S. Thompson’s semi-autobiographical new book, Kingdom of Fear, but I feel I’m not worthy. So I’ll just say that Thompson still writes with his balls and leave it at that.

3 cups Biscuit mix (I use Bisquick.)

3 tbsp.s Sugar

1 Cup Beer

Blend ingredients. Spatula the thick batter into a greased muffin tin. Bake at 350° for 15-20 minutes.