People keep almost running me off the road. On two separate occasions within the past week, some moron has tried occupy the exact spot I’m driving in on the expressway. I swear, I’m not driving in their blind spot or doing anything stupid. All I can figure is that these people think it’s a-okay to cross over two lanes of traffic without bothering to LOOK where they’re going – ’cause, really, what could be in that lane way over there? Certainly not a little Honda Civic. I guess they’re driving on faith or something. Let me tell you, my horn is not nearly loud enough to convey my lack of amusement at this shit.

Then again, I am willing to consider the possibility that my car is turning invisible – only to other people, of course. It’ll be kinda like Wonder Woman’s invisible airplane. That would rock…well, except for the fact that I’ll probably die when some fool hits me with his big red truck. Yeah, except for that.

But, if the universe is setting me up with some Wonder Woman gear, its next priority should be giant Linda Carter tits. Oh, and a lasso of truth.

“Are you staring at my giant tits?…Don’t lie.”

Poptarts for breakfast means I am a lazy slug. I haven’t shopped for groceries for about two weeks. I did buy bread and milk at Walgreens a few days ago, but that was only because I was there anyway to pick up my prescription. There is precious little food in the house.

Starvation is beckoning to me. Starvation is saying, “Yoohoo, Debbie dahling.” I’m trying to avoid her.

So…Poptarts. Poptarts have been known to set around our house FOREVER. I’m not fond of them, but I buy them because they keep well. Someday the logic police will come for me and they’ll shoot to kill.

Other stuff that does not get eaten, which I buy because I am wasteful and most assuredly hell-bound:

Cottage cheese – I throw the cottage cheese into the cart, I take it home, I put in the fridge. I remove it two months later to marvel at the expiration date and deposit the full container neatly into the trash. It looks good in the grocery store. Must be the lighting there – those clever bastards.

Apples – I buy these in anticipation of the day when I will offer one to my daughter as a snack and she will gratefully accept it. So far – nada.

Cantalope – I love cantalope, but I always forget I’ve bought it until it grows green fur. Pretty.

Potatoes – You know how when potatoes get old they start getting little stumps on them? Well, smarty pants, did you also know that if you leave a potato unattended for long enough those stumps turn the potato into what resembles a spud coral reef? I know stuff. Stuff I’m not proud of.