Male Emperor Penguins must walk 70 miles back to the ocean to feed after going 120 days without food. The female penguins don’t have it a lot better. They walk that same distance right after giving birth. Both the males and females endure temperatures of eighty degrees below zero.

Yes, I learned something from seeing “March of the Penguins.” I learned that penguins are total bad-asses. In honor of that fact, I coined the phrase, “He’s no penguin” as a way of describing someone who lacks endurance or whines a lot in difficult situations. Feel free to use this phrase at will or expand upon it as you see fit. The Emperor Penguin is the coolest non-flying bird around. Much cooler than the Emu or the Double-Wattled Cassowary. Get outta here with that stupid Cassowary. Penguins rock!

By the way, I have been whining and be-moaning my sore back for three days. When I’m not crying about that, I’m complaining that it’s too hot outside or that my braces hurt. I, dear friends, am no penguin.