PLEASE DO NOT READ THIS IF YOU ARE SENSITIVE ABOUT LANGUAGE. I DO NOT CENSOR MYSELF AND HAVE NO INTENTION OF DOING SO.

“I am Sam. Sam I am.
George Michael used to be in Wham!”

“Correct, he was! My name is Fox.
I bet he’s sucked a lot of cocks.*”
“Right you are! Do you knit socks?”

“Yes, I do! I knit a ton.
They take a while, but sure are fun.”

“Do you knit them on a plane?
Do you knit them in the rain?”

“Of course I knit them on a plane.
Of course I knit them in the rain.”

“Would you knit them in a barn?
Would you, could you with fat yarn?”

“Of course I’d knit them in a barn?
Fat yarn? What are we talking about here, a worsted weight? No, I’ve never tried that…”

“But, you could do one in a day!
You could do one in a day!”

“In a day! No Way! I could not, could not in a day!”

“Oh, yes, you could you silly bitch.
Put down your size zeros and make the switch.”

“Thank you, Sam, you pushy freak.
A day is much shorter than two fucking weeks.
But, before you ask, I don’t want any goddamn ham. I’m a vegetarian.”

*To clarify for anyone who does not know me personally: I am not being homophobic here (or anywhere for that matter). I am simply a terrible poet and “cocks” rhymes with “socks” and “Wham” rhymes with “Sam I Am.” FYI, nothing rhymes with “purple.”

Let me tell you, there is nothing like finishing a pair of socks in a weekend to make you feel clever even if you can’t write a poem about it without using 80′s references and sexually explicit language.

The Rivendell Sock is the most covetous pattern I’ve ever seen. I almost bought the pattern by itself, but instead I suffered through a long wait for the book that contains the pattern with which I would knit the sock of great power, the one sock to rule them all.

I can’t even tell you the yarn I’m using, because I imagine that this sock once complete will be so magical that all wars will stop, the hungry will be fed and global warming will cease to exist. But, in the wrong hands, the sock could do evil stuff, like hiding the remote to the t.v. or making your feet just a little too sweaty when you wear them.

But, you needn’t trouble yourself about any of these possibilities, good or bad, because frankly, I think I may just be a bit too stupid to knit these socks.

Oh, I’m almost smart enough. I understand the cluster wraps, and I can read a chart, and I can do all the required stitch combinations. But, the clusters at the beginning of a row and keeping track of where I am in the pattern is where I get fuzzy. Um, I don’t use stitch markers for socks. I have a tail and the mid-point of the heel and when I reach it, I’ve done 1 round. That’s it.

I’m probably over-thinking it, and if I could get past the evil that is row 3 of the chart, I’d be safe by a warm fire at the last homely house. But, nah, I’m not the brightest hobbit in the shire, and I’m going to have a nap and second dinner and think about a simple lace pattern in dk weight yarn. Or, even a baby sweater. Even an intarsia project. Anything I can do to put off finding out that I come up just a few dwarves short of a scouting party, and I ain’t going to to get to Rivendell without a taxi.